Vaseline: Gross or Great? (Answer: Great.)

Whenever I think of vaseline I think of Curly from Of Mice and Men. I can't help it. Something about that vaseline-filled glove gave me the creeps when I read that book in ninth grade, and it still does. Although, these days when I think about it I feel the need to somehow remind Curly that he should never use an oil-based lubricant during sexual activity, but then I remember that a man who wears a vaseline-filled glove probably isn't concerned with wearing condoms.

That's probably not the best lead-in given that I'm about to extol the virtues of vaseline as an alternative lip balm.

Now, I like all-natural hippie chapsticks as much as the next gal, but I'm not one to toss out a product just because it has a little petroleum jelly slash oil-drilling byproduct in it (harmless oil drilling byproduct). The great thing about vaseline is that it comes in containers so big that you couldn't finish one in your lifetime if you tried. And it doesn't expire, which is why I've had my "standard" sized can (is it a can?) for about four years.

I use vaseline as a chapstick alternative at night before I go to bed and in the morning when I get up. It's like an intense lip moisturizer. Vaseline has helped me recover from many an overchapped spell, and when mixed into a paste with a little granulated sugar it's a wonderful lip exfoliator. It also has the advantage of being scentless, easy gliding and shine-perfect, and while it may be a bit messy and not quite as portable as chapstick, it's a reliable standby.

And like any great product, vaseline has so many other uses: area under runny nose moisturizer, makeup remover, eyebrow-tamer, emergency WD-40 substitute, toy mechanics greaser, tight jewelery removal helper, sticky zipper fixer, baseball greaser, camera lens effect, swimming friction reducer, cuts/scrapes protectant, chafing protectant, doorknob pranks, etc.

Not, again, as a personal lubricant, unless you really want to enjoy the feel of ripping latex without the pesky birth control and STD protection. I don't know why I feel the need to play sex-ed teacher today.

Anyway, a tub of vaseline (they do make them in mini sizes, too) is a must have for every bathroom.