Friday, April 07, 2006

Might As Well Face It...

The discovery and enjoyment of chapstick is a pursuit we take seriously here at Chaptastic, but we would be remiss if we did not address the darker side of such a wonderful product. I'm talking about...chapstick addiction.

You know what I mean. Every time you go to the drugstore you can't help but buy whatever impulse chapstick is near the register, because you might be running out at home. But you're not running out at home. You've got tubes everywhere, probably even next to the magazines in the bathroom. You find them in your food after you cook dinner, in your sock drawers, in old boxes. You can't leave the house without your favorite tube, and when you do so accidentally, you climb right back up those five flights of stairs to get it. You apply even when you don't need to, sometimes just because you're bored, or nervous in a social situation, or feeling sad.

These are just some of the signs.

I managed to throw the monkey mostly off my back during college, but I'm often tempted to re-collect the rainbow of tubes I owned, and I know that there are legions of innocents out there who suffer at the cruel hands of the chapstick gods, slathering and smacking their lips in a vain attempt to release themselves from the grasp of this crippling dependency. The sweet smell of beeswax and the reward of a smooth glide is all they can think about during meetings and class and lovemaking with the wife.

We feel that it's our duty to help those of you out there who need some assistance. To ascertain if you are addicted, you can take the Chapstick Addiction Quiz. The first step is admitting you have a problem.

If you conclude that you are, in fact, a slave to the salve, then you should consider joining Lip Balm Anonymous. If you don't get help, you won't get better, and you might find yourself surprised by a room of your closest friends who "really need to talk to you".

Whatever the resources you choose, you should also consider that:

a) It's not the chapstick you're addicted to, it's the feeling that you get when you put on the chapstick you can't get enough of. You can easily get that feeling from other things, like food or shopping or sex.

b) You don't have to quit altogether- try cutting down. Maybe go ten minutes without reapplying, then fifteen, then thirty. With enough willpower, you might even be able to make it a whole hour. In WINTER.

c) You're not alone. There are countless people with the same problem, and you don't have to suffer in silence.

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3 Comments:

Anonymous Dylan keenen said...

Thats pretty much the story of my life... except one thing. One day I was sitting in an awkwardly quite math class, and i stood up and said "YOU KNOW WHAT- If I Cant Go Two Minutes With Out A Hit Of That Sweet Swweeet Lip Balm-So Be IT! Im Going To EMBRACE my Addiction!"
Since then I have again been in many "rooms of my closest friends who "really need to talk to me"." But nothing they say can change my mind.. Be cause now I can say the magic word that lets everyone else of the hook: RELIGION!

1:04 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I too WAS a lip balm addict! Nothing worked and I would re-apply constantly! Then I was given LanoLip lip balm at my dental office.... I was cured! You should really check out www.LanoLip.com ... it is a new Natural Lip Balm with NO WAX! LanoLip's key ingredient is medical grade lanolin. It works to heals and protect against further damage. I came across LanoLip with I had been prescibed Acutane for acne and it not only dried out my acne but dried my lips out so badly that they would bleed and crack. It was torture. Anyway, I put LanoLip lip balm on thick at night and it is still there in the morning! 100% guarantee to work!

10:24 PM  
Anonymous Jo said...

I'm a little bit addicted and wanna stay like this.

11:15 AM  

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