Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Hawaiian Tropic Ozone Sport


The name Hawaiian Tropic used to remind me of that yummy coconut oil my mother used to coat herself in before lounging in the pool. Now it reminds me of questionable bikini contests in dim bars and Hooters-style restaurants.

Do you sense the foreshadowing?


Price: $2.25 from Kissfix - that's the cheapest I've seen it. Over $4.00 at online pharmacies.

Glide: Like that coconut oil, this stick glides smooth and clean.

Appearance: This stick screams extreme. Sometimes before I apply I close my eyes and pretend I'm in a Mountain Dew commercial basejumping, but with smooth moist lips. Check out that silver package and the font on this one, so extreme.

Flavor/ Smell: Tang. This stick is as if they compressed Tang powder and added some vaseline. Oddly enough, when applied it feels like there are crystals of Tang dissolving on your tongue.

Lasting Power: The Ozone Sports lasting power is nil; moisture is somehow taken out of your lips and used to plump up a bikini pageant girl's implants.

Product Plusses: SPF 45, waterproof (not tested), Aloe Vera.

.25 out of 5 tubes

Hawaiian Tropic may excel in hot women in bikinis, but they fail at lip balm. Ten minutes after applying my lips were completely dry and were in need of lip balm, with nothing else around I had to keep applying. It was an abusive, vicious cycle and I'm slightly traumatized. This stick went in the trash the minute another lip balm option became available.

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