Real Simple Takes on Lip Balm

I almost died when I saw that Real Simple magazine had a feature on the best lip balms. Not because I'm clearly obsessed with lip balm, but because finally I had found a justification for buying the goddamned thing ($4.50 a pop). I adore Real Simple, which is finally writing about something I can use, something I can really care about (unlike the many hidden uses of ziploc bags...which was, admittedly, kind of useful).

You know what else I love about Real Simple? Their puns. Somehow they manage not to be annoying. Their carefully composed puns land on the ear like soft snow. Take, for instance, the article title: "Balms Away". And what's the forecast? Balmy. Or their advice to readers to consider the selections as their "balm pilot". Pure genius.

Those moneybags at Real Simple obviously have a larger budget than Chaptastic, which actually doesn't have a budget at all. Their testers got to try 100 different balms and report on the durability, look, feel and scent of their favorites (sound familiar?...stop stealing our sh*t, RS).

Best Overall: Burt's Bees Beeswax Lip Balm, $2.50
Runner Up: Prada Shielding Balm SPF 15, $38 for 8 mini-tubes

Best Finish: Therapy Systems Rx for Lips, $29.50
Runner Up: Neutrogena Lip Nutrition Honey Rescue Balm, $8

Best Endurance: Vichy Nutrilogie Intensive Care for Dried Out Lips, $9
Runner Up: L'Occitane Shea Butter Lip Balm Stick, $10

Best With SPF: Eco Lips Sport SPF 30, $3
Runner Up: Fresh Sugar Lip Treatment SPF 15, $22.50

Best Medicated: Aveeno Intense Relief Medicated Therapy, $3.50
Runner Up: Carmex, $1.50

We can't vouch for many of these because we haven't quite yet turned enough tricks to afford them, but we have great affection for Aveeno and Neutrogena brand lip balms. We are but humble street workers. I'll talk to my pimp at the end of the month about investing in some more lip balm; it would probably help business.