Friday, May 26, 2006

Kiss My Face - Vanilla Honey

Oh, Kiss My Face, what a clever name. It's almost as if you were going to say "kiss my ass", but at the last second you turn it around.

Well, Kiss My Face, you're the first chapstick I've reviewed for this blog that I'm going to ream. In fact, I would tell you to "kiss my ass."

Let's get it on.

Price: Free, for me - gift. Anywhere from $2.50 - $3.50, for you. But don't waste your money.

Appearance: This may be my biggest problem with this stick. To me, green and yellow mean LEMON and/or LIME. Not vanilla, and definitely not honey. These flavors are to be depicted with brown.

Glide: This stick's glide is too heavy and too waxy. Bad glide.

Flavor/Smell: Oh wait. This is the biggest problem with this one. This vanilla honey flavor is heinous. It doesn't smell like either of the components, but it does smell like old flowers: like when you have flowers in a vase and then take them out - they smell like that water from the vase.

Lasting Power: Due to it's heavy, waxy glide the staying power is long. But since the feel and smell are not delightful, you may end up wiping it off.

Product Plusses: Organic.

I would've liked to love this chapstick, due to Kiss My Face's view on the environment.

It seems like they care:

"The use of natural ingredients over cheaper synthetic ingredients eliminates the release of hazardous bi-products released into the environment during the production of synthetic chemicals in laboratories and factories across the globe."

But, despite that, I'm going to give this stick our lowest rating as of yet:
1 out of 5 tubes.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Eco Lips Energy Lip BAM!

No, the title is not a typo. It's an onomatopoetic Emeril-esque ode to one of the most bad-ass chapsticks I've ever come across. This stick is like the James Dean of lip care- it's sleek, sexy, broody and doesn't care what you think.

I was psyched to get not one but two free samples from Eco Lips after I blogged about it last Wednesday. I received them on Saturday, which is just amazing. Eco Lips employees have their shit together, apparently. They even sent me a free carabiner. $7.23 worth of stuff- and it's even GOOD stuff- for a quick mention on a blog? Awesome. But as you know, on this blog we do not merely mention chapsticks. We talk about them obsessively.

By the way, if you're reading this, Eco Lips, feel free to add Chaptastic to your "Eco Lips Featured In" News & Events section. We'll wait...

Oh, and Spazzstick, you might need to change your "world's only caffeinated lip balm" slogan. We'll wait...

Price: You can get an Energy tube from the Eco Lips website for $2.99. I don't know what they retail for in stores. A little pricey, but I think it's worth it for the promise of caffeine in your pocket. We all pay a little more for an espresso or for a Red Bull. Oh, and it's all natural to boot.

Appearance: As I keep saying, the tube looks awesome. It's all black with snappy sci-fi, bold silver lettering and a sharp, yellow lightning bolt! Yowza! That lighting bolt is what makes Eco Lips Energy look cool when compared to the black Chapstick®, which looks kind of dull.

Glide: Energy has a very easy yet slightly gritty glide. If you look closely, you can see tiny white particles embedded in the tube; they appear to be the caffeine delivery system. The particles disappear upon application, but if you overapply then they can build up on your lips. Despite the caffeine-chunks, it goes on smooth thanks to the organic jojoba oil and beeswax and leaves a healthy shine.

Flavor/Smell: Oh, it smells reeeally good. I like that this is a caffeinated lip balm but it's not coffee flavored. The ingredients include peppermint, spearmint and rosemary, so you can imagine how invigorating the scent is. Kind of like a stick of gum, but it lasts for quite a while. No real taste to speak of except for a vague hint of unsweetened mint and green tea.

Lasting Power: Surprisingly decent for a "specialty" stick. Way more than an hour's worth of caffeine-y goodness and moist lips. The stick warns, "Use in moderation" due to the caffeine content. I wonder just how much caffeine one's lips absorb, and if one could get addicted to it. I also wonder what would happen if I just ate the whole stick.

Product Pluses: Vitamin B12. And CAFFEINE. Need I say more? I certainly do feel peppy after application. In fact, I've managed to stay bushy-tailed and bright-eyed through my post-lunch slump. My lips are pleasantly tingly thanks to the sinus-clearing mint scent and I don't feel a need to reapply even though I first applied more than an hour ago.

Of course, feeling awake could just be a placebo effect: maybe I'm only energized because I think I'm supposed to be. Chaptastic somehow ended up being non-too-peppy at a Gnarls Barkley concert (of all places) a few nights ago despite several applications. But hey- even if you just think you're high, it's still nice to be up there (speaking of which, I'm dying to try the Eco Lips Hemp lip balm).

Also Eco Lips donates 1% of every purchase to...the environment, I guess. As a whole.

This is not an every day tube. This is a don't-want-to-fall-asleep-on-the-
subway-and-get-robbed or a need-a-little-extra-to-finish-that-paper kind of stand-by stick. But for a nifty, fun, well executed idea that's good for the environment and your lips, 4 out of 5 tubes.

Monday, May 22, 2006

Funny or Not?

You decide:

Friday, May 19, 2006

ChapNews Vol 3: Oh, the Places You'll Go!

- I know chapstick is a miraculous product, but come on. A chapstick appetite suppressant? Quote from the website: "It 'helps' curb your appetite". 'Helps'? I like buying products that when I describe what they do I have to use air quotes.

- For your kayaking, snowboarding, surfing, rock-climbing, hiking, sailing loved ones comes ZeBug, the "original attachable lip balm and sunscreen container". If I did any of those things, I'd think it was pretty rad.

- But lookout Zebug- you've got competition! Not only is 4YourLipz abbreviated with a number, but it also uses a "z" instead of an "s", which is a clear marker for hip-ness. Also the site has a picture of a skydiver, which beats out your slighly discomforting sandal-clip picture.

- I'm hoping that if I smear enough Narnia Chapstick onto the back of my closet I'll end up in a magical wonderland. I've gone through twelve sticks so far and nothing yet.

Your Mother and Her Oversized Lips

Yo momma's lips so big, Chapstick had to invent a spray!


(Oh no you di'in't.)

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Shameless Shilling: Eco Lips Energy

At Chaptastic we're big fans of alterna-petroleum lip balms, and Eco Lips is one of the the best brands out there dedicated to organic, energy-saving production of lip balm (you hear that, hippies?).

I say this 1) because I really do like Eco Lips and 2) because I heard that if I blog about the new Eco Lips Energy lip balm, they just might send me one. I do not scoff at the prospect of free chapstick, people, especially when it's high quality.

So in a few weeks check back for a review of this bad boy (doesn't it just look...badass?), which claims to "combine the soothing and healing benefits of Eco Lips Lip Balm with an added powerful ENERGY infusion of Caffeine, Green Tea and Vitamin B12". What do you think- Red Bull in a tube?

Where Do I Hang Out Online?

At the message board.

The big dilemma that I came across over there is that "knownasmichael" has big full man lips that he's embarassed of - so he asks for a recomendation for makeup/ lip balm to make his lips appear smaller.

Since this is a chapstick blog, I figured you would be interested in hearing what people claimed works:

Gentle Rain says:
You need just regular old chap stick in the black and white's not glossy at all....I also think there may be some "just for men" chap stick type products out there with no shine.

So that's great. But the best part of this message board are the women fawning over "knownasmichael" and his lips:

"By the way, your lips are SO SEXY...!"

"And Omg!! Your lips are hot eusa_drool.gif eusa_drool.gif wub.gif"

"mmmm mmmm. I would kiss those suckers in a second. Hot hot lips. Super hot.... Keep them plump and moisturized, definitely."

"girls, let's find him and rip out his delicious-sexilicious-plumpalicious-juicylicious lips!!!!"

"Mmmm those are hot lips....I bet they're good at...."

"your lips are fucking beutiful!!! *drools*"

I love this.

Because You Like to Watch: ChapVids

One of these videos features a precocious girl who seems to already know, at a young age, what's good for her and those around her. The other video features what may be the most inappropriately erotic, borderline-statutory, NSFW application of chapstick I've ever seen.

See if you can figure out which is which.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006


Some years back I was on some form of public transportation (as I frequently am, what with lacking a license and all) and I overheard a conversation wherein someone was discussing their time abroad and the discovery of "the best chapstick ever". Naturally I was intrigued, and I paid attention to the product name that was mentioned, but I promptly forgot what the hell it was before I wrote it down. I did remember that it had an L and a B in it and that it might have meant "lips" because it sounded a lot like "labia". But then I got distracted with life for a couple of years and didn't really follow up on it.

Then in one of my many recent forays into chapstick research, I discovered that the product I'd heard recommended so highly is called Labello. It originated in Germany and is not sold in the States, so I had to go to great lengths (Google) to find it , but when I received it the stars shone more brightly and a choir sang some Handel and somewhere a school of dolphins jumped dramatically out of the ocean in front of a sunset.

Price: Because Labello is not sold in the US, I had to go online to find it. This might change as Labello was recently acquired by Nivea, I believe. It ranges in price from $1.89 to $6.00 (are you kidding me,, not including shipping. The more tubes you buy, the better the value. I bought three: Labello Classic, Labello Rose and Labello Gloss & Shine.

Appearance: Classic Labello is distinctive in that it resembles a lipstick more than a traditional chapstick. It's larger and thicker and its entire outer cover comes off to reveal a lipstick-like twisting mechanism. Although it's slightly larger than a chapstick, it's much sexier because it has more substance and it's all curves and feels good to hold (insert penis joke here...actually anywhere, really). Sometimes when I'm pulling it out I feel like I'm unsheathing some sort of large, powerful chapstick Sword of Moisture.The Gloss/Shine comes in a nice compact squeeze tube with an angled applicator.

Glide: Labello goes on smooth and thick, not unlike frosting on a cake. The good thing is that it's not greasy or waxy and it quickly absorbs into your lips, leaving no residue and very little shine (the Gloss/Shine is shiny without being ho-ey and has a nice subtle color). It may be a little too thick for you if you're into applying every ten minutes, but if you're looking for a once-or-twice-a-day-er, it's fabulous.

Flavor/Smell: Simply delightful. Light, pleasant, not overbearing. I can't put my finger on what the Classic scent is, but it definitely has vanilla in it. The Rose smells like roses and I assume their other flavors follow suit. Surpringly, there is no taste- waxy, fruity or otherwise- on any of the varieties I tried and that is a welcome relief.

Lasting Power: I put on Labello in the morning and was fine until the evening. That's ONCE a day, people. Unheard of. The Gloss & Shine lasts quite a while into a night out as well and stays on impressively even after a few smears onto the edge of a beer bottle. I must mention that Labello's motto is "Nobody kisses better", and after a few trial runs in the field I can verify this claim.

Product Plusses: So many flavors and colors! It's like a chapstick pride parade. There's a scent for every flavor you love and a type (active/sporty, gloss, etc) for every kind of lip care you need. The balm also contains Vitamin E and ProVitamin B5. No default SPF, but you can buy the special SPF 30 UV Care Labello.

One minus is that Labello seems to be a bit fragile in hot conditions. Because it glides well without having to be warmed up, overwarming the tube can cause the balm to deteriorate a little. Keep it in a jacket pocket or bag as opposed to right up on you.

Conclusion: Reliable, well-moisturizing, luxurious glide, pleasant smell, fun, long lasting and kick-ass. Plus it's foreign! Think of the social cache...4.75 out of 5 tubes.

Friday, May 12, 2006

Who's Got Flaming Lips?

Wayne Coyne does. And in Harp Magazine Coyne admits it.

Harp: Well, I think the weirdest thing about you is that you’re in a band called the Flaming Lips and you incessantly put on Chap Stick.

Coyne: I definitely am addicted to Chap Stick, yeah. But isn’t everybody?

Harp: It’s just you, you live in a bubble. Oh, that was so bad. That was beneath me.

Coyne: No, not really.

Big ups to JG for the link.

Friday, May 05, 2006

Chapstick Cute-Off

It's a cute smack-down, my friends! Who will prevail? Will it be A) the adorable newborn (whose identity has been concealed for his own protection) clutching a Chapstick Cherry or will it be B) the furry ferret about to down a Burt's Bees? You choose, America- send in your votes!

ChapNews Vol. 2: A Little Give and Take

- What would your luxury item on Survivor be? Easy choice, right? But what if you didn't get a luxury item? Would you smuggle it in anyway?

- Adorable Missourian moppets bring holiday chapstick cheer to those in need.

- Try being a good RI senator, a champion for the little people and an all around decent guy and this is what Lincoln Chafee gets. I'm not sure the chapstick analogy works: chapstick is cool, and thereby Chafee is cool by association, no?

- The Case of the Stolen Chapstick. Ryan Harne lobbies for the creation of a new branch of Homeland Security: The Chapstic Watch Authority (CWA).

- At the top of the CWA Most Wanted: Heismann winner Marcus Allen. Footballs aren't the only things Allen likes to intercept. Even celebrities can't resist chapstick's siren call.

- It had to happen. Two major addictions, caffeine and chapstick join forces in Spazzstick. I predict chaos.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Time to Evaluate the Self

Lip Balm Anonymous (LBA) had a eye opening survey. I fear I may be on a downward spiral

Do you ever use more lip balm than you planned?

According to the spreadsheet I create daily chronicling when and where I can apply I can safely say that today, so far, I have not fallen off the wagon.

8:03 - treadmill - check
8:45 - weight bench - check
8:53 - locker room - check
9:10 - after shower - check
9:15 - while drying hair -check

No extraneous application thus far.

Has the use of lip balm interfered with your job?

Yes, white chapstick residue on my lips has led coworkers to believe I am a crack addict. See Tyrone Biggums post.

Is your lip balm use causing conflict with your spouse or family?

Family time consists of sitting in a circle, tubes in hand, crying, applying, hugging, repeating - so no. Kumbayah, yo.

Do you feel depressed, guilty, or remorseful after you use lip balm?

Depressed that I have to wait till my next spreadsheet approved application time.

Do you use whatever lip balm you have almost continuously until the supply is exhausted?

Yes, that just seems economical.

Do you ever wish that you had never taken that first application or hit of lip balm?

And continued licking my lips like i was LL Cool J? Naw. Look at his stomach, WOWZER!

Do you have an obsession to get lip balm when you don't have it?

Actually, yes. I have popped into stores to purchase an emergency stick.

Are you experiencing financial difficulties due to your lip balm use?

Luckily, I have friends and family that support the habit financially.

Do you experience an anticipation high just knowing you are about to use lip balm?

Christ. This survey has 42 questions. I have to stop here.

Anyway - if you need addiction help, get a life, and get some more chapstick.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Chicken Poop (Minus the Chicken and the Poop)

I have a confession to make: I looove chicken poop. I like the way it smells and feels and I like smearing it all over my lips over and over again...mmmm. So imagine my amazement when I discovered that there's actually a chapstick out there called Chicken Poop! You don't have to tell me that twice- it's like preaching to the shit-eating choir.

To my horrible disappointment, however, there isn't any actual chicken poop in the product. Talk about mislabeling (I'm going straight to the FDA on this one)! The name comes from something the grandfather of Jamie Faith Tabor Smith (the product inventor) used to say to her when she complained of chapped lips: "If you've got chapped lips, put some chicken poop on them and you won't lick them." Old people give such sage advice (hearty chuckle).

Let's take at look at Chicken Poop, shall we?

Price: If you don't live in a handful of mostly Midwest states, you have to go online to find Chicken Poop (ha). That means that a single tube will cost you $4 plus shipping and handling, so it ends up being $5.50. A bit pricey, but I guess that's the cost of Chicken Poop these days (seriously...that will not stop being funny).

Glide: This stick has a nice, even glide- not too slippery but not too stiff, whether at room temperature or straight from the pocket.

Flavor/Smell: The smell of Chicken Poop is what makes it unique (still funny). You know how Vick's Vapor Rub smells kind of eecchh normally but when you're sick it's the best thing in the world because it gets up in your nose and clears everything up? That's kind of like what's going on with this stick. It has a wonderful, nasal passage-clearing mixture of strong, tangy orange and lavender. The scent is at once invigorating and calming, and yet it has an extra kick of spice in it...the cumulative scent is very medicine-like, but in a good way. That said, it really doesn't taste like much. You have to really try to get a flavor out of it (slightly orange), and even then you can't be sure that it's not just your nose tricking your taste buds.

It's nice to have a chapstick that doesn't smell or taste like food. It does take some getting used to if you're not used to having a strong-smelling chapstick (the scent travels well and far), so you're either going to love it or hate it.

Lasting Power: Jamie's grandpa might have been right- I felt less of a desire to lick my lips with Chicken Poop on. I think it's because of it's non-food scent. When it fades away, it doesn't dry out your lips. I'd say that if you're a non-obsessive chapstick user then you'll probably be good with a couple of applications a day. For the addicted, we're talking about a half hour to an hour, and that ain't bad.

Appearance: The tube is standard size and plain white with bold black script printed on it- very simple, very graphic, but nothing to rave about.

Product Plusses: So many, I have to list them.
  1. The name. You have an instant conversation starter/ice breaker with Chicken Poop. Just look at the fun we've been having thus far.
  2. 100% purity. The ingredients are: soy, jojoba, sweet orange, lavender, and beeswax. That's it. So rejoice, petroleum-haters.
  3. Lavender= aromatherapy
  4. Check out the packaging the tubes come in. I don't know about you, but I'll buy anything that is dispensed out of a chicken's ass.
  5. No SPF. That's not a plus.

I think that to recover after a bad chapping or in the middle of winter this would be the perfect stick to reach for, but ultimately it's strongly noticeable, aggressive scent does not make it a good candidate for every day (ie, multiple times a day) use.

Over all, though, Chicken Poop is quite good. 4.0 out of 5 tubes.