The Chaptastic Lip Balm Diet & Workout Regimen©

The Chaptastic Lip Balm Diet & Workout Regimen©

1. Buy some Joey New York LipFIT Lip Gloss. JNYLFLG claims that it's unique blend of ingredients will help "inhibit appetite" and it's motto is "beautiful lips, skinny hips"*.

2. Follow up with 765 reps of lip balm application**.

3. If those don't work: start running 10 miles a day and eating only vegetables. Apply lip balm when lips feel dry. You'll be fit by July 4th.

*untested by Chaptastic Labs
** from FitSugar's list of unique ways to burn 100 calories

OMG Y'all: Barry Manilow Lip Balm

So, in addition to the water bottles, shirts, plates, clocks, hand gel, blankets, dog shirts, and wine that the Barry Manilow website sells, there's also the fine product pictured here: "Music and Passionfruit" lip balm. If you were a Fanilow, you'd know that Music and Passion is Mr. Manilow's motto, or something.

I just...I mean...

Barry Manilow has a lip balm. What.

NYTimes Has Nothing Better To Write About

The NYTimes has not one but two articles today about lip products. The first is about Lil' Mama (is it just me or is that just a smaller, cuter Lil' Kim?), a sassy teen rapper, Avril Lavigne collaborator, and erstwhile Sephora promoter who has a bangin' new hit single called "Lip Gloss". I like the way the NYTimes explains it:

Lil Mama is rap’s newest product placer. But instead of promoting cars or clothes or cocktails, she is glorifying something a little more innocuous in her hit song, “Lip Gloss.”

Lip gloss.

Over a spare, double-Dutch-friendly beat, Lil Mama, a Brooklyn-bred 17-year-old with sass to spare, rhymes: “I said my lip gloss is cool/My lip gloss be poppin/I’m standing at my locker/And all the boys keep stoppin.”

Holla. It's actually quite catchy. I'm already in the process of downloading it. It alarms me that I sometimes don't know about new hits like this until I read about them in the Times. What am I, 40?

The second article concerns more of what we're into, which is lip balm proper. This time it's the men folk who are getting the attention in this Fashion & Style article about guys who *GASP!* wear lip balm a lot. Another choice excerpt:

And every morning after he brushes his teeth, Mr. Yeager, 27, puts some of it on.

Since he started using Jack Black Intense Lip Therapy Balm about five years ago to soothe lips frequently chapped from airline travel, Mr. Yeager said he has been hooked on the “cool mint feeling.” So hooked that for his wedding last year he included the balm in a cosmetic gift pack for his groomsmen.

As the men’s market for moisturizers and sun protection has grown, so has the market for lip balm. Besides longstanding unisex standards like ChapStick, Blistex and Kiehl’s, macho choices like Jack Black, a line that exclusively targets men, are proliferating.

According to a 2005 report by Packaged Facts, a publishing division of MarketResearch.com, lip care products “are performance orientated, and chapped lips are a rugged sort of ailment that men can treat without feeling effete.”

Snoozeville. And since when are chapped lips a "rugged sort of ailment"? Oh, I guess when guys have chapped lips it's rugged, and when girls have them it's...just that time of the month.

Note to the Times: from now on hire us to do your lip balm coverage. I promise we won't make it sound so freakin' precious.

Guest Post! Einstein Lip Theory: Hydrating Cream

Today's poster, Becky, reviews a balm that follows up on the Einstein brand we reviewed a little while ago. I think "caveat emptor" is the moral of this fable. Becky writes,

"So, I was OBSESSED with the Einstein stuff when I found the red pot balm in London Drugs but couldn't afford it. The jar looked SOOO adorable, so I assumed this stuff would rock and I promised myself that next time I popped into the store, that balm would be mine. I even had a dream about it. So, as you can probably imagine, my expectations were high.

But I came back to the drugstore a couple days later, buzzing with excitement and ready to spend 7 dollars on a tiny jar of magic. Unfortunately, they had none left! I was, instead, referred to another one of Einstein's lip balms: the pink hydrating cream. I hadn't researched this one and didn't quite know what to expect, and to satisfy my terrible disappointment, I took a chance and bought it. Uhg."

Price: $6.99 for a barely-there squirt of balm. Ew.

Appearance: Pretty container, of course. But open the lid and what do you find? This icky, creamy stuff that has the consistency of hand cream - not to mention the little orange balls inside that really serve no purpose except to look weird.

Glide: Smooth, of course, but I could just as easily rub this into my hands and call it moisturization. It's hand cream!! Plus it's very shiny on the lips and feels like water - which, actually, may be a positive for some of you if that's what you're looking for.

Flavor/ Smell: It smells alright. Tastes alright.

Lasting Power: A while, actually, but that's only if you commit to never licking your lips while it's on. If you lick, the lip balm will come off quite easily.

Product Plusses: Cute container, smooth application. And the name 'Einstein Lip Theory' is just plain awesome.

Rating: 2.5 out of 5 tubes. Extremely disappointing. Not to mention that a week later I dropped the jar, causing all its contents to spill out on my carpet. Good bye, $6.99.

Guest Post! Alba TerraTints

This guest post comes from Scrappy's super rad coworker Kira:

When a big ole' box (actually, a full-on fancy schmancy counter display) of lip balm arrives unannounced at your door, wouldn't you assume the nice gals at Chaptastic had something to do with it? Me too. But apparently not. (ed. note - holy crap, we're so jealous)

Apparently, I received this treasure chest of luscious lip balm as a free gift for being one of the first to sign up for an upcoming yoga retreat. I guess yoga + pretty tinted well-moisturized lips = a very happy yogi. (ed. note - om x 3)

There were six Alba TerraTint tubes in the box. Two colors I tried on and right away decided, "uhhhhh...no, I'm just not groovy enough to pull these off." These were Dawn (white chalky weirdly sparkly) and Kona (dark brown, really dark brown). The others I like very much: Garnet, Bloom, Sienna, Blaze. Garnet is my favorite - the sheerest, least sparkly of the bunch.

Price: 3.99

Appearance: Minimalist texty packaging, with a label that matches the tube color but tube color that doesn't quite match the lip balm tint. I'm probably getting into OCD Girl territory, but I'm a fan of branding that's printed right on the tube rather than on a label that's just going to get all tattered and worn and yucky after spending time in my jeans pocket or the bottom of my bag. Is it wrong to want my tube of lip balm to look as fresh as my lips when I put it on?

Glide: Fairly smooth as lip balms go, just a bit on the heavy side.

Flavor/Smell: Yummy peppermint tingles the lips with only a hint of minty smell and flavor (but I have a cold, so it may not be as subtle as I think).

Lasting Power: Maybe an hour? Would like it to moisturize longer (but again, I've been breathing through my mouth all day, so you might not want to trust me on that).

Product Plusses: The packaging tells me that calendula flower and jojoba oil are main ingredients. Sounds good to me. The web site tells me that Alba lip balms provide " SPF 18 protection in a versatile stick - perfect for lips, ears and other sensitive, sun-exposed areas." Ummm....sounds like they're talking about the non-tinted lip balms.

4.6 out of 5 tubes. With four colors to choose from (six if you count white and dark brown), there's a naturally tinted minty lip balm out there for just about every skin tone. A nice way to dress up your face for a night out on the town.